relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize