she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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