maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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