Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
