two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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