Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
it's like heaven, but drunker
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
