i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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