So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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