There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
