I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
