So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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