I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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