I wish you could order shots online.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
