I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
