So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
