I didn't shave. On purpose
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
