I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
it was like eating out sand paper
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
