Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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