Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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