Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
