Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
