i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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