I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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