Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize