I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
