we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize