I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
