Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
