I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
