i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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