And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
