woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
