I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
