i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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