The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
