If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
