if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
