so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
