They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
