and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
