I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
