After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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