I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
