why didn't you poke me back
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He shit in the fireplace
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
