whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
