i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
