I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
