I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
