My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
