He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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