Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
