I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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