she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
