Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
