I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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