It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
