he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
