I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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