So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
