I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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