After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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