Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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