Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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