I met the friendliest cop last night
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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