Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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