I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just threw up on my dentist
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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